Lately there have been a lot of ups and downs in my life. Certainly, this isn’t very different from what usually happens, as my life is rarely predictable.
However, the difference has been for me in how I have been reacting. Some of the “downs”: my mind is more jumbled and focusing is harder. Sleep is disrupted, which is never a good thing, and I’ve been waking earlier, unable to fall back asleep.
On the other hand, there are pleasant “ups” too. My workouts have been stronger and recovery time has shortened. I’m making noticible fitness progress at a time when I thought losing strength was my new reality. And I’ve experienced a renewed interest in intimacy, something I didn’t expect to happen, even in the midst of the whirlwind of uncertainties.
So the pendulum swings have felt wider. The good news is that I come back to center…but the bad news is that I usually don’t stay there.
The way I have started dealing with this is kind of funny. Instead of forcing myself to sit in meditation for longer, something that feels like wrestling eels, I have been practicing releasing expectations of what meditation should look like.
Lately, I have been making myself transparent.
Instead of grounding myself, I allow things to keep moving. I’m not anchored in the earth. I am floating above the tumult. I’m working towards a neutrality to stimuli. My edges are smooth, troubling thoughts don’t take hold, they simply slide off me and around me.
And then, I fade. Deep breaths help move strong emotions through me, not getting stuck along the way. Just passing by as my form becomes invisible.
This is a relief.
There is relatively little effort in this process, which is part of the point. Letting go lightens me. And that’s when I realize that holding on to all the stressors takes more energy and work than releasing them.
Just as they approach me, so they move through me and out.
It takes a little bit to get used to the rhythm: breathing through it and and feeling lighter. Not allowing the irritation, frustration, fear to take root but watching calmly as they fly by, as if ignoring me and looking for another victim.
Eventually I’ll get back on the cushion and root myself again, but not now. At this moment, I appreciate the freedom to float above the fray and quietly fade from sight. At least out of the view of my worries.
Frantic Shanti 