July 2021 – Frantic Shanti

Kindness to Cancer Patients

REMINDER: Be nice to other cancer patients and survivors.

It feels weird to write that, because why wouldn’t you? So many of us who have had the cancer experience feel like we want to support and encourage those who come after us. We are driven to help. But that’s not always what happens.

Let me provide an analogy of sorts:

When I was pregnant with my first child, a daughter, I got an enthusiastic positive response from so many other moms. Everyone was ready with helpful tips and good wishes. At the same time, many also started in with stories of their own experiences, often times telling vividly about their struggles and pain and even, “Oh, girls are the absolute worst!”

Some experiences may leave us feeling “unfinished”, needing a kindred spirit to tell our story to. But we need to be aware of whose ear we’re bending.

Why would some women do this? I can only hazard a guess: perhaps because no one wants to listen to difficult stories. Childbirth is a momentous life event brimming with intense emotions that friends and family forget, but the mother in question holds on to because they are tied into so much of her. Her lingering feelings are brushed aside. No one else cares to revisit the labor pains or complications. As a result, tales of the experience are often not expressed until she sees another woman, a kindred spirit, embarking on the same journey.

So, too, with cancer. And it can be a difficult and awkward subject for many, cancer patients or not. Those of us who are breast cancer survivors may want to “talk about it”, and thankfully there are support groups for that. But friends and family may not understand the scope of the emotional fallout. We get comments like, “well, at least you got a nice set of boobs out of it,” and are expected to move on. Conversation over.

And then we see another woman going through this, and it’s difficult to resist inundating her with your own experiences and emotions, all in the name of letting her know that she can get through this, just like you did.

Does it help? Maaaaybe? But as we all know, everyone’s experience is different. What happens is that you’re not “preparing” her for what might come. You’re inducing anxiety in an already stressed-out situation.

I experienced this myself after my diagnosis, when, a week before my surgery, I ran into an aquaintance who had gone through breast cancer treatment several years before. And I know she was trying to offer support and make me feel better, but it didn’t. She made me anxious about my upcoming therapies, including ones that she not gone through herself. While my intent as a newbie was to share about my diagnosis because I felt that she would understand, I ended up being a sounding board for her concerns. Concerns that were valid, definitely, but not appropriate in the context of a very fearful cancer patient.

Offer support without taking over the conversation.

For the record, this was a lovely woman with whom I’ve had numerous subsequent exchanges. There was no ill-will intended. But it’s likely that she didn’t have many opportunities to speak to relate her story to other women, and given the chance, just needed to talk.

And I know that in my exhuberance to show support for other cancer patients, I’ve probably tripped over myself in an attempt to reassure too much. Offer too many hugs. While also trying to be noncommital about outcome. That’s a really messy combination.

So please, let us remember (and by “us” I mean myself!) that sometimes the best form of support for a newly diagnosed cancer patient is simply being there with them and holding space for what they may be going through. They will make their way through the experience, day by day, just like we did. There will be time to talk about the ups and downs of treatments.

But maybe not right now.

Grounding though Contact Points

Lately I’ve been speaking with people who are having a hard time dealing with anxiety, so I thought it would be worthwhile to dive deeper into grounding methods.

For me, hands down, strong neutral physical sensations (with “neutral” being the operative term here) are by far the best ways to pull my head out of swirling thoughts and get back to where I am now on the Earth.

Buttocks and feet are great focal points for drawing attention away from rapid breathing or heartrate.

Currently, I’m focusing on touch points: those places on your body where you are making contact with any surface. This is highly effective because it is well-suited for any situation. You don’t necessarily need to be in a particular position, nor do you need a quiet space. So if you’re in the middle of an exam, sitting in your boss’ office, standing at a podium or walking down the hallway of a hospital, this grounding method can shift you back to the present moment.

The idea is to focus on the sensation of pressure. My suggestion would be to bring your attention to whereever on your body you can sense that contact with a surface, giving preference to places further from areas that might be reinforcing anxiety, such as the chest region and a rapidly beating heart. So, hands, feet and buttocks would be good candidates. If you’re walking, then pay attention to the change in pressure of your steps as you put your foot down and lift it again.

Feel into these body parts, sensing how the pressure feels against them. You can also bring in sensations such as tingling and temperature. Like an investigator, experiencing these sensations as if for the first time, get curious about their quality. If needed, squeeze the muscles, but then make sure to relax them too, so that you’re not clenching. Then see if you notice a difference in sensation.

Try it right now. Go ahead, I’ll wait…

You don’t need a special place to practice grounding yourself. Where you are right now is perfect.

Did you try it? And did you feel anything? The type of sensation doesn’t matter here. The main goal is to get out of your head, which may be in overdrive. Paying attention to what your body is doing RIGHT NOW helps move you away from thoughts of dread and gives you a handle on your reactions.

Important: as with all calming techniques, this takes practice. It is not a one-time thing that you try, nor is it a pill that you pop and everything settles down. The more you practice this, especially when you’re in a peaceful surroundings, the better you will get at shifting your focus during times of anxiety. Just as with a formal meditation practice, it is consistency that will improve your focus and thereby your abilities.

The added benefit to practice is that you will realize you *can* do it, that it *does* work, and you will build confidence in yourself that you can handle it. So in an anxious moment, you’ll be able to say, “I got this” and bring yourself to a more manageable place.

“That Dragon, Cancer”: Catharsis in Video Game Form

I am always looking for ways to illustrate the complexity of emotions associated with having cancer, or caring for someone who does, as a means of relating it to people without this experience.

An immersive video game called That Dragon, Cancer does this by telling the story of a young child with the disease, in this case, a brain cancer called Atypical Teratoid Rhabdoid Tumor (AT/RT). The game explores the fear, hope, helplessness and fight that we go through when confronting so much uncertainty.

To be clear, this is not a video game in the usual sense, it’s a narrative with mini-game elements, sometimes lighthearted, sometimes dark. We follow the journey of a family as they navigate the rollercoaster of cancer diagnosis, doctor appointments and treatments. Those of us who have been on this path can relate to the tsunami of emotions and information, all rolled up into one overwhelming ball. The game does a good job of representing these feelings.

If you’re interested in experiencing this game with a blind playthrough, this is where you should stop reading. For more information on That Dragon, Cancer, visit the official website here.

WARNING/SPOILER: Because this is a true story, the developer Ryan Green (Numinous Games), along with his wife Amy, could not control the outcome; the game was created to honor the memory of their young son, Joel, by chronicling his battle with terminal childhood cancer.

Little Joel underwent a staggering number of treatments for his brain tumors.

Be aware that there are very distressing parts to this game. Just as cancer patients fight for meaning and claw for hope, so does this family. If you are not in the right frame of mind for this, or are at a painful part of your cancer journey, it might be best to skip this game. When the game originally came out in 2016, it left well-known YouTubers in tears. Everyone can relate to loss; Ryan and Amy made this even more powerful by documenting their son’s journey in recordings made during his treatments. Therefore, when you hear the distressed cries of a young child in misery, those are Joel’s actual cries, and they are heartbreaking. But hearing his delighted giggles helps ease the pain.

It is all very raw and real.

Even in the distress, we experience joy in the life Joel lived.

Losing hope, or clinging to it in the face of insumountable odds, is documented here. The Green family hopes for a big miracle, with Ryan and Amy each heading towards the outcome in different ways: Amy is adamant that Joel will be healed while Ryan is riddled with doubt. There is a very strong Christian influence in this game that reflects the Green’s religious beliefs, with many references to God, Jesus and saving grace through prayer, so those whose beliefs differ may find this element foreign and possibly irritating, and they should decide whether it is appropriate for them. Nonetheless, the game is beautifully done with moments that will make you smile in between tearful episodes and there is value in experiencing it.

Those who expect a movie-style, “deus ex machina” happy ending may be left empty and unsatisfied, but I found the end to be uplifting, inviting in the acceptance of inevitability.

The game also honors the memories of other cancer patients in imaginative ways.

I’ve now played That Dragon, Cancer three times through. The emotions that it evokes are very familiar and I found this game cathartic and validating. As the Green family discovers, if someone succumbs to cancer, it does not mean that their faith was not strong enough. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about this disease, it is that cancer is not picky, it doesn’t care about your desires and it doesn’t play by the rules.

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From the developer, Numinous Games: “An immersive narrative videogame that retells Joel Green’s 4-year fight against cancer through about two hours of poetic, imaginative gameplay that explores faith, hope and love.” $9.99 on Steam.

Staying Present: Dual Focus Meditation

If you’re new to mindfulness meditation, you might have found it difficult to hold focus on your breath. But the reality is that you don’t need to be a beginner to struggle with this. There are some days that the mind refuses to be still and even a long-time meditator will find themselves carried away by thoughts.

In an effort to help keep my head here and now, I started paying attention to how it was that I lost focus. For me, it happens during the lull between breaths.

What is that lull? Well, there’s a very short, almost imperceptible pause between my inhale and exhale. I’m okay during that time because I can focus on the sensations in my chest and belly. That’s not the pause that gives me problems.

It’s after the exhale that I experience a longer pause before the next breath begins, especially if my breaths are slower and deeper, because my body doesn’t require another breath right away. And that’s when I’m more likely to “see something shiny” and my mind wanders off.

But I found that by focusing on my hands during this pause, I could keep my random thoughts at bay.

If you’re having focus issues and would like to try this, all you need to do is consider your focus as cyclic. First, with the inhale and exhale, focus on the breath sensation–choose wherever you feel the air movement most distinctly, such as the rising & falling of your chest, the rushing of air in and out of your nostrils, or similar. It will be different from person to person.

Next, during the pause between your breaths, turn your focus to the sensations in your hands and fingers. There may be some tingling or throbbing, or perhaps nothing discernable. That’s okay. Just see if there’s anything there that you can feel.

Then, when your next inhale begins, pay attention to the breath again.

The main point of this exercise is to stay present during those times that the mind is very active.

It may sound like you’re jumping from one body part to another, but in reality the transition is very smooth. The focus on the hands gives you a place to go until the next breath returns, all the while keeping you present.

When I first tried this, I thought I was “cheating” because I wasn’t staying with the breath. And I had to remind myself that the purpose of this wasn’t to earn a gold star for being the best “focus-on-only-the-breath” meditator. It was to stay with whatever was happening “now”.

Allowing a slight change in focus when my mind is active keeps me present. Staying present calms me more effectively. And that helps me return to the meditation cushion day after day after day.

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There is beauty in the stillness that we experience between breaths. This dual focus practice isn’t meant to pull us away from that. Rather, it gives us a focus for those days when the mind is active and easily distracted, and appreciating that stillness is not available to us.