Month: January 2024

The Upside of Chemo Brain

(Title image: Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash)

As I’m stumbling through a bad cold, I got a reminder that you can find good stuff in bad situations.

Let me see if I can string this together somewhat coherently…

The cold I have came with an eye infection (relax, not posting pics!) that makes me light-sensitive enough that I need to be chauffeured around. Went to the doc last week, got a prescription for eye drops, then swung by to do some shopping, which I needed to wear sunglasses for.

And as I’m picking my way through a busy Costco, I’m holding onto a phone that I just bought–has a case but no screen protector yet–and I’m really worried that I’m going to drop it or lose it if I get distracted.

And why do I get distracted? Because anxiety and a touch of chemo brain (aka Cancer-Related Cognitive Impairment (CRCI)) have a summative effect that makes me loopy. Not a “scare-your-children” kind of loopy, but a constant “what-was-I-just-doing” kind of loopy. Over and over and over again.

I’ve been dealing with this over the past couple of months while juggling stressors. My eye infection introduced a new wrinkle–I am very much a visual person and use visual cues to manage the anxiety/CRCI problem.

But the good news? The Memory and Attention Adaptation Training (MAAT) classes I took for managing CRCI focused on mindfulness as a way of dealing with the lapses in memory.

And when I was in a Costco bathroom stall, I realized that I was acutely aware of where all my things were–purse on the door hook, phone on top of the toilet paper dispenser. I was ALL THERE and 100% present. I couldn’t afford not to be.

Not an earth-shaking revelation, but it was another reminder that there are all sorts ways to ground ourselves in the present. If I hadn’t taken the MAAT class I don’t think I would have felt so confident that what I was doing (being mindful) would work so well to help me stay focused and aware.

So, yes, I can be grateful for chemo brain for that.

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Today my vision has improved to the point where I can tell that the kitchen floor is really dirty, and that is most unfortunate indeed.

Bringing Calm into Healing Spaces: Shushing the BEEP with Yoko Sen

Title image: Photo by Adhy Savala on Unsplash

After I was diagnosed with cancer, one of the things I dreaded the most was having to spend time in the hospital. I’d broken my leg when I was 12 and the four days (and nights) that I was hospitalized were horrible. I was depressed and wanted to go home.

As a cancer patient, I wanted nothing to do with all the beeping and buzzing medical equipment. While all my treatments ended up being out-patient–which I was sooo happy about–I spent enough time in the vicinity of medical devices to hear my share of annoying beeps. In fact, that was the last thing I remember before losing consciousness before my surgery…and the first thing I heard when I awoke.

Last time I checked, BEEP BEEP BEEP was *not* a soothing sound.
(Photo by Richard Catabay on Unsplash)

Apparently, I’m not the only one who dislikes the incessant jarring noises of hospital equipment. I recently had the pleasure of attending a webinar with Yoko Sen of Sen Sound, an electronic music artist who has worked with hospitals and medical device manufacturers to address the issue of disruptive noises in an environment that’s supposed to be conducive to healing.

The whistles, beeps, buzzes and alarms are anything but.

Yoko spoke about the stress levels of both patients and medical staff as being affected negatively by this noise pollution. Patients cannot rest and recover. Caregivers are constantly on edge about what piece of equipment is alarming. This is not an insignificant problem as at least in one case, a death resulted from a healthcare worker shutting down a patient’s alarm by their bedside in an effort to make the surroundings more soothing for them, and mistakenly silenced their entire alarm system.

Staff speak of “alarm fatigue”, when everything’s constantly alarming that dire situations are missed among the cacophany that is the hospital situation. The sounds follow healthcare workers home, like echoes that never go away.

Yoko herself was hospitalized some years ago and described the onslaught of noises as terrifying. So as a musician, she set out to help hospitals reduce unnecessary noises and then make the necessary sounds more pleasant while still remaining informative.

The talk was excellent and interactive as she let the audience vote on the different “textures” of sounds. Interestingly, we discovered that past experiences can significantly color the way that we perceive a sound. Yoko’s entire talk was both entertaining and eye-opening. Unfortunately, I do not have a recording of this particular webinar that I can post, but below is one of the videos about her work.

Yoko Sen is bringing beautiful sounds into the healing environment.

I love that not only is a musician looking for ways to make the hospital experience more, well, hospitable for both the healthcare teams and patients, but also that hospitals and device manufacturers themselves identify the stress caused by all these noises as an issue to be addressed.

One of the complaints that’s often voiced about western medicine is that it focuses on disease rather than prevention, on sickness rather than healing. This is a great example of efforts being taken to change that.

Finding Calm in a Matcha Tornado [VIDEO]

Following up on last week’s post on taking a coffee break, I’m sharing my daily matcha experience with you.

During my workday, I need to stop periodically and ground myself so I don’t get sucked into a hectic hole. And for me, there’s no better way to do that than to stand up, walk around to get some movement into my body and extra blood flowing to my brain…and head to the kitchen to make a matcha latte.

There’s nothing like taking a soothing break from my hectic day.

There is something about the process of making that tea drink that offers opportunities to focus on a soothing distraction that grounds me in reality. From pouring water into the tea kettle…scooping out the bright green powder…measuring out the water…whisking the solution into a brilliant verdant tornado…I find it so blissful.

This is reminder to there is more to my day than what shows up on the computer monitor. Those stressors will pass like a wave…new ones will arise…and those too will pass by.

Enjoy the swirl!

Coffee Break: A Mindful Start to Your Day

(Title image: Photo by Mindspace Studio on Unsplash)

So, now that we’re a week into 2024, what a great time to set an intention for the New Year.

For me, it’s going to be “stress less and move forward”. At least I’ve got the “moving forward” part planned out, as there will be a lot of changes in my life this year.

It’s the “stress less” part that trips me up. So I’m redoubling my efforts to make sure that mindfulness takes priority in my daily activities, and one of the best ways to do this is to see how I can make everyday tasks into moving meditations.

I present to you, the coffee break. Tea works as well, even better, it could be argued. Regardless of your preference, this is how the break works (and obviously, this should be adapted to your own situation):

Wow, I can literally smell this image and the aroma is glorious!
(Photo by Mae Mu on Unsplash)

When you arrive in the kitchen (or wherever you keep your coffee, I’m not judging), bring your attention to your hands. Look at them. Notice the temperature of the air on them. Flex and straighten your fingers…and then observe your hands open the cupboard and remove the container in which you keep your coffee–mine is a metal cannister–along with a stack of paper coffee filters.

My cannister is has a pretty blue and green pattern on it and it feels cool to the touch, nice and smooth. As I open the top, the scent of coffee fills the air. I savor that for a moment.

Set the container down by the coffee maker and pick up a coffee filter. Mine is cone-shaped. Notice if the paper feels coarse against your fingertips and how it sounds as you handle it. Nestle it into place inside the coffee maker.

What does your running water look like, sound like, feel like?
(Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash)

Then, back to the coffee…and fish out the scoop (mine invariably gets buried under the grounds), spooning out however-much coffee you want. Listen to the “crunch” of the grounds as you do so.

Transferring the coffee into the filter may elicit more aroma during the process. What does it sound like as it falls onto the filter? When done, replace the scoop and then the top of the coffee container.

Whatever water container you user–mine is a plastic water jug, perhaps yours is the coffee carafe itself– bring that to the sink, place under the faucet, and turn on the cold water.

Does the faucet handle feel cool to the touch? As the water runs, notice whether light shines through the stream or if it’s aerated and fizzy. Listen to the sounds of water flowing through the plumbing and into your water container. Perhaps there’s a cool splash.

Such a peaceful start to the day. Inhale…
(Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash)

When filled, turn off the water, noticing whether the handle makes a sound as you turn it. Bring the water container to the coffee maker and as you pour the liquid, listen to how it runs in, watching the waterline rise.

Close the coffee maker’s top, press the requisite buttons and savor the sights, sounds and smells of the coffee as it brews.

So as I mentioned above, depending on your own situation, your experience may vary, but the main idea remains the same: when you are in the process of making morning coffee or tea, be IN IT. Invite your senses to this event and, perhaps most importantly, keep unrelated thoughts out of it.

Start your day with a mindful ritual like this and it will help carry that attitude of staying present into the rest of your day. Give it a try and enjoy the calm!

Reflections on 2023; or “Focusing on What Doesn’t Suck”

(Title image: Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash)

Warmest wishes to everyone for a joyous start to 2024! I hope you had a wonderful holiday season with your loved ones and are ready to launch into the new year!

I…learned a few things about myself in 2023.

My family and I had our share of misfortunes, bumps and hiccups and stumbles that started piling on. An apartment flood, two sizable rent increases, physical pains, emotional turmoils, family illnesses.

It’s easy to focus on the negatives (and *ahem* trust me, I did many times). But there were also some significant positives this year, not the least of which is that my cancer has not returned and I am still alive. Those are two biggies.

But I also found myself somehow managing, even in the midst of the worst stressors. I didn’t respond the way I had in the past, which would have been with a bought of nausea, racing thoughts and tortured nights.

So I know that something has changed: there is actual space between me and the things that suck. Now, there’s not always a lot of space–occasionally it’s a teeny gap that you could only slide a credit card through. And at those times, I might not even remember to take three deep breaths. But when I come to my senses I can breathe more space into that gap.

You need to stop and reflect on how far you’ve come to understand the benefits of what you’ve been doing.
(Photo by Alexander Milo on Unsplash)

That, my friends, is called progress.

And as frustrating as it is that anxiety sometimes gets the best of me, my reaction is still so much better than it used to be and that provides motivation to stay consistent with a meditation practice.

So, if I learned anything, it’s that you don’t know how far you’ve come until you look back at the road you’ve been on and reflect on where you started.

But I also learned something else this year: sometimes you need to back off in order to go forward. I dealt with body pains that affected both my strength and conditioning exercise and yoga practice. I fought against taking it easy because I was so afraid of “falling behind”.

Well, nothing good comes of that. If anything, it prolongs recovery.

I was pushing myself to train harder and not respecting my changing limits. At the same time, I was juggling several online classes because I was also afraid of falling behind career-wise, on top of which I was concerned about finding a new apartment.

This was a classic case of spreading myself thin.

Constant striving made it impossible to my body to heal and rest and for my mind to assimilate information and construct useful goals and plans.

It was not until late December that I was forced to prioritize my well being because it hurt too much not to. Stressful events that came in the last quarter of the year gave me no choice. But in doing so, pain in my hip improved significantly and in backing off my expectations, I opted to focus on a single class, while at the same time continuing to sort through our belongings and get rid of things that we no longer need.

I slowed down and made more progress than if I had continued beating myself silly.

Look at all the beautiful positives that show themselves when you focus on the good stuff.
(Photo by Kim Stewart on Unsplash)

All in all, as frightening as 2023 was at times, I can see all the good that took place, and that’s the third thing that was a major revelation for me. I’d describe my view of the world as being like a picket fence. Sure, if I only look at the pickets I see the negatives that have taken place. But adjusting my focus on the the world that is visible between the pickets, it becomes clear that there’s so much more that hasn’t gone wrong.

Even when it seems that you’ve suffered so many setbacks–and it felt like I really stumbled during the second half of the year–when you review what DID work out, the sense of gratitude and relief is uplifting.

So even in the midst of everything that stressed me out, 2023 doesn’t seem so bad afterall. And that little burst of positivity is what I’m taking into 2024 with me.

Happy New Year!