Aching for an Injury

^{(Title image: Photo by Alex Bertha on Unsplash)}

My life was recently interrupted by a back strain. I was moving a side table to vacuum under it and stupidly bent at the waist instead of using my legs, pulling the table towards me.

And suddenly I felt an electric jolt of warmth and pain in my back from hip to hip.

This, my friends, is not my first rodeo. I’ve been having back issues since college, when I slipped on ice and thudded down on my lumbar spine. However, first swimming and then strength training reinforced my back muscles and made me less susceptible to injuries like this.

Less susceptible, but not impervious. I was reminded of this in early 2025 when I felt a serious twinge rowing on my erg but stubbornly refused to stop because there were only four minutes left in my workout and I’m a stupid ass. That little stunt required a recovery period of about a month.

This time was a teensy bit different. The back strain was manageable. It happened on a Saturday, but I was still able to carry laundry, and then I worked out CAREFULLY on Sunday. Yeah, it hurt a bit but nothing I couldn’t handle.

Then came Monday morning and I decided to do a modified version of my high intensity interval training. Sounds crazy, I know, but it was modified. However…towards the end, I started having more discomfort, but again, I figured I could finish it before I did anything really bad to myself. Yeahyeahyeah IknowIknowIknow.

It wasn’t a great workout, but I was moving gingerly and seemed to be holding together. But afterwards, in an effort to “protect” my back, I knelt at my computer (I’ve got my setup adjusted so I can do that when sitting doesn’t feel good) and started my workday.

Maybe it was the fact that I kept tightening my glute muscles to take pressure off my back, and there were adjacent hip muscles that got irritated, but by the time my Monday morning Zoom meeting came around I was having intense back spasms, basically whenever I moved.

Even deeper breaths set them off. I was having trouble staying upright.

Eventually I capitulated and crawled off to bed, resorting to my laptop to get any work done, which was minimal.

So all of that might sound bad, but as far as I’m concerned, here’s the REAL issue. While I managed a few hours of work every day, most of the time I was forced to lie on my back. This should be a horrible thing, not being able to move without pain.

Instead, it felt like a relief. My bosses and co-workers knew my situation and didn’t expect much. I didn’t push myself and considered this an obligatory rest week from workouts. And it was phenomenal.

My back gradually improved and by the end of that week I noted, somewhat ruefully, that I was almost back to normal.

It made me sad. I had really needed the break, needed the release of expectations that I would be productive. And that week I had my excuse. It was like a hall pass that allowed me to shirk all my other responsibilities.

This was exactly how I’d felt during my chemo infusions. The after-effects of chemotherapy were miserable and I could not wait to be done with them. But in the background, there was a glimmer of relief that I was allowed to actually rest without anyone expecting anything of me.

And here I am going through those feelings again.

So, I know this is a problem. If getting injured or sick is the only thing that gives me permission to recover from my life, then clearly I need to reevaluate my priorities and maybe make some time for that.

Even after almost a decade of practicing mindfulness and meditation, I am sorely lacking in this aspect of self-care and self-compassion. I know I am. But it’s so hard to stop pushing myself.

So I don’t know now. Am I really being mindful if I’m driving myself to burnout?