Hovering Over Possibilities

(Title image: Photo by Victor Rutka on Unsplash)

Since I’ve been writing about non-attachment, I wanted to follow up with a description of what it feels like for me.

As an example, I’m currently waiting on medical results for a family member. And I can promise you, there is a particular outcome that I really want. It’s the one where everything works out without any problems and you can look back at what transpired and wonder what you were even worried about. All good!

But that’s a best-case scenario, and wish as we might, it’s not a guaranteed outcome, even when we assume it’s a guaranteed outcome. When reality comes out worse, the let-down can feel intense. I’ve experienced that too many times.

Gently, gently. Allowing thoughts to come and go as they please without holding on or pushing away.
(Photo by Dmitry on Unsplash)

So I’ve taken to holding my thoughts lightly, like you would hold a little bird in your hand. Not grasping them, just keeping my hand open and allowing them to flit in and out of it.

It feels like I’m hovering over the possibilities of what might transpire. I am aware of the potential outcomes, but not holding on to them. I don’t push them out of my mind completely. Rather, I fuzz my view of them as if with a softened gaze.

Then time stops. And coming down out of what is swirling in my head, I turn my awareness to what is going on right now. Especially what my feet are doing. How my soles feel pressed against the floor. Focusing on the sensations.

Always, when the possibilities get too intense and clear, I return to my feet on the floor. If my recalcitrant mind continues to swirl, I focus on my hands and pour my senses into what they are doing: tying shoelaces, making coffee, doing the dishes—noticing the movements and pressure, watching my fingers. Once I’m anchored in my body, my awareness reaches out again.

I know those thoughts, hopes and fears are there. I don’t try to repress them. I don’t try to analyze them. They simply come and go, and I return to the calmness of where I am.

Admittedly, some days it’s much harder than on other days. “Letting go” is a practice, not a destination. But even brief moments of respite are welcome.

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There’s also something to be said about the underlying fear of waiting for responses, the uncertainty that weighs so heavily upon us. I’ve always felt that one of the toughest times of my cancer experience was when I was waiting for scan results, biopsy results, even doctors’ appointments. That was the real test of “hovering” and it was one that I did not handle well at the time. But thankfully, relief came in the form of a treatment plan, a.k.a. a certainty of sorts. No, it didn’t make everything better, but it gave me a path to focus on.

How’s the Weather in There?

(Title image: Photo by NOAA on Unsplash)

Here’s a fun little way of observing your internal state, thanks to a mindfulness practice that I saw on a Calm app tool.

It illustrates the transience of emotions, driving home the notion that nothing is permanent and even the worst of days will come to an end.

It goes like this: consider how you are feeling in this moment. Simply observe without trying to change anything. Are you feeling content and peaceful? Stressed-out? Unmotivated?

Then try to describe those same emotions in terms of the weather. If you are feeling great, it’s sunny without a cloud in the sky. If you feel anxious, perhaps there are dark clouds overhead. Angry? Thunder and lightning abound. Tired and groggy translates to being in the midst of thick fog.

Feeling amazing? It’s a clear day with a warm, gentle breeze.
(Photo by Vlad ION on Unsplash)

Looking at your emotions in this way enables you make some space between the intensity of what you’re feeling and the present moment, so that you don’t get completely sucked in and consumed by negativity. This is a particularly important part of mindfulness and something to practice on a daily basis.

But creating an internal weather report also provides a different perspective on the all-encompassing nature of some emotions. It can be difficult to see the break in the clouds when you are in the midst of a stormy night. But eventually the storm passes, as do different emotions.

This gives us hope that no matter how oppressive things feel right now, they will pass and better times will appear on the horizon.

Give this simple practice a try and I wish you brighter days ahead.

The Bliss of Non-Attachment

(Title image: Photo by PaaZ PG on Unsplash)

So, I have a silly little story about non-attachment.

During Memorial Day weekend, I placed an order with a Maine mushroom company humorously called North Spore. [Note: I am not affiliated with them in any way other than as a customer.]

I ordered two bags of drinking chocolate with functional mushrooms added. While I usually prefer my cacao unsweetened, I was willing to try this as it was a more economical purchase than the orders that I’d placed for “ceremonial grade” cacao. Additionally, I love mushrooms so I considered it a special treat.

I had had several stressful months with no significant break coming up, so I was really looking forward to receiving my package and its delicious contents—a little respite from the tumult that was my life. The package was scheduled to arrive on Saturday, June 7th and you can bet I was tracking its transit via the US Postal Service’s phone app. No matter what kind of a day Saturday turned out to be, I was already imagining enjoying a nice warm cup that evening, making things better in some small way.

Maybe you can see where I’m going with this? I was invested.

Saturday arrived…I received the delivery text…I ran out to our complex’s mailroom. But there was nothing in my mailbox. No package, no key to the larger package holding box, nothing. I groped around inside my mailbox, hoping that maybe I was just blind and the key was actually there. But no.

Frustration!

NOOOOOO!

And it was at that moment, as I was simultaneously (silently) cursing our mail carrier—who has mixed up mailboxes before—and praying that the key had ended up in the box of an honest neighbor, that I was hit square in the face by the suffering that attachment brings.

I had set up an expectation (honestly, a reasonable one), felt into it very deeply, and experienced that ache of having to rip myself away from it when things went in a different direction.

Had I been able to practice non-attachment, I would have taken this in stride. After all, the package was clearly misdelivered and may still show up, and if not, a trip to the post office would follow since I had a tracking number and the shipment was insured. It would have been easier to shake off disappointment because I would not have built up such strong expectations and hung so much on receiving my hot cocoa.

But alas, I am very much an imperfect human being who did a very natural thing in anticipating the arrival of my package, along with expecting the USPS not to louse it up. So after fuming and agonizing over the “unfairness of it all”, I decided to sit with all of this for a while: acknowledging that it made sense for me to look forward to receiving something to brighten my week along with the importance of not beating myself up for doing so; but also cajoling myself into releasing my grip on what I had so wanted as the outcome in addition to stepping back and getting perspective on the situation.

And then I felt better, like a big chunk of tension had been released. It’s not easy being human sometimes.

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I realize that not getting a shipment of drinking chocolate is not a devastating outcome, and yet, even something so relatively insignificant felt like a big letdown in the face of expectation. So then, what about a potentially life-changing outcome? The effect could be brutal enough to upset one’s established foundation. It underscores the clinginess of attachment and when possible why we should strive to soften our need to have things be a certain way.

Energy Modulation through Breath and Imagery

(Title image: Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Unsplash)

As my family takes some time to grieve the passing of a family member, I have been using pranayama (breathwork) to help with the broad range of emotions that such situations elicit.

I came across an excellent meditation by teacher Jeff Warren on the Calm app in which he pairs visualization with breathwork as a way of modifying your energy states.

Need to spark yourself? Or cool the sparks? There’s a breathing practice for that.
(Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash)

It works with the natural ability of inhales to quicken your heartrate and bring up your energy levels and exhales to calm the nervous system and elicit the relaxation response. This is my version of what he instructed (his actual guidance may have been a little different):

To increase energy:
Breath ~ Extended, intentional inhales fully filling the lungs followed by shorter, sharper, quicker exhales. Five such breaths followed by natural breath, then bringing attention to your current state. Important: stop if becoming lightheaded or short of breath. This should increase your energy, not overwhelm or wear you out!
Visualization ~ Imagine sparks of energy rising up from the earth and entering your body, into the fingertips and soles of the feet, coalescing in your core, then shooting upwards towards your head and skyward from your crown. Imagine the sensation of energy coursing through your entire body, and a sense of lightness and bouyancy, as if your body is charged and driving itself.

To come into calm:
Breath ~ Four-count inhales through the nose breathing into the diaphragm followed by 6-count extended exhales through pursed lips. Five of these breaths then moving into your natural breath, noticing the stillness. If available to you, extend the exhales to eight counts. This helps elicit the “relaxation response”.
Visualization ~ Imagine heat and sparks draining down from your body, into the earth. Feel a coolness washing over you, notice a solid foundation beneath you. There is a slowing and steadiness, a pleasant grounding and a clearing of the ears. Notice the sensations of your surroundings in the present moment.

Sometimes a mind-body break is in order.
(Photo by Victoria Tronina on Unsplash)

Quite honestly, I rarely need to increase my energy levels due the the ability of my parasympathetic nervous system to get activated quickly. If I am feeling fatigued, I don’t do breathwork to rev myself up. More likely, I will exercise…or I’ll respect the fact that my body is telling me that rest is needed and will respond accordingly.

On the other hand, I make frequent and liberal use of calming breaths and find that my ability to handle difficult emotions has improved because of it. Of course, I still struggle from time to time, but that is why this type of work is called a “practice.”

I hope these help you too!

It’s Not a Crisis, It’s an Opportunity

(Title image: Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash)

So I’ve been playing with another mental challenge.

For the past month, it feels like I’ve been dealing with a lot.

So many things weighing upon me: obligations, deadlines, upcoming responsibilities, health woes. At least I think there are many things.

Lately, I’ve been getting overwhelmed by what needs to be done. I manage to trudge through everything but procrasination becomes harder to resist and a good night’s rest is harder to get. I’m more susceptible to distractions, which end up resulting in more stress because now, of course, I’m getting even less done.

Life can look scarier than it actually is. Awareness illuminates reality.
(Photo by Razvan Sassu on Unsplash)

It is a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts.

But when I pause and identify the sources of stress, there aren’t that many. The ones that are there expand around their edges, looking bigger than they really are and that creates a crisis in my brain.

If I were a purely mindful creature, I’d be able to notice this immediately and gently put a stop to it. But, alas, I am clumsy human being. Even with all my practice, mindfulness can easily evade me at times when I need it the most.

So for this round of dancing with anxiety, I’m reframing what I’m experiencing as a fortuitous learning opportunity. And it’s a very “safe” one because quite honestly nothing that I’m going through now is life-threatening.

I am not currently dealing with a cancer diagnosis. I am not about to be kicked out onto the street with my life in peril. I am not dodging bombs or searching for missing loved ones.

Instead, I only need to de-escalate what my brain is blowing out of proportion. This is in fact an ideal situation to be in because I can’t get it wrong. The only question is how long this process is going to take. Everything else is time-limited. Sooner or later it will work itself out and I know I’m going to be okay.

Every challenge is another chance to practice mindful awareness.
(Photo by Gantas Vaičiulėnas on Unsplash)

This is a chance for me to practice shortening the time it takes to notice that no true calamity has befallen me. The more I sit with the things that I’m grateful for, the more I reinforce the realization that not everything that I experience is a stressor and there are so many awesome things that perfuse my day.

And once that realization lands, once I see that my feet are planted on the ground and the din of fears in my head fades, everything feels clearer and calmer.

Why didn’t I do this earlier?

Year 8 Mammogram: Can’t Shake This Feeling

(Title image: Photo by 🐣 Luca Iaconelli 🦊 on Unsplash)

A couple of weeks ago, I had my 8-year 3-D mammogram. To be clear, this is eight years following the original diagnostic 2-D mammogram and ultrasound that identified my breast cancer tumor.

This far down the road, the situation seems much less dire. The mammogram takes place shortly after one of my visits to the oncologist, who does a manual breast exam. So if anything should show up on the 3-D mammogram, it would still be quite early stage.

And at this point in my life, my greatest fear is not something showing up on a mammogram, it’s something showing up on another scan elsewhere in my body, because that would mean metastasis.

I’m busy, busy, busy. Too busy to worry, right? RIGHT?
(Photo by Dan Freeman on Unsplash)

But that was not the case this year. I was preoccupied with other concerns including a car purchase, the upcoming practicum for my yoga4cancer training and an NIH grant renewal for the lab I work in. The main thing that I was thinking of regarding the mammogram was how badly my ribs might hurt as I was pulled closer into the scanner and smushed up against the machine.

And also, how sleep deprived my husband and I would be since we had an early morning appointment. Following which I needed to get to the office, while catching a webinar on the way. Lots of stuff to juggle.

So that’s the mindset with which I arrived at the imaging center. And that’s what was going through my head as I made small-talk with the friendly technician and went through the scanning process.

But then she left the room to bring the scans to the attending radiologist’s attention. Note: at our imagining center, if you are a cancer survivor, the radiologist reads your scans while you’re in the imaging room so that you don’t have to wait for results via phone call, through an online notification or—even worse—via the mail. You get them then and there.

Before the tech left she offered me use of the bathroom. I didn’t need it, but I realized that while waiting for the results I needed to keep my mind busy. Off to the bathroom I went, feeling into my feet as I walked like a good little mindful girl.

My big burning ball of cancer experience has quite a long memory tail!
(Photo by Jacob Dyer on Unsplash)

So again, it’s been eight years. I’ve had quite a few mammograms and other scans in that time. I’ve gotten a lot better about dealing with them and I certainly don’t experience severe “scanxiety” with mammograms.

But when I was done with the bathroom and sat back down in the imagining room with the monolithic mammography machine quietly staring back at me, I wanted to be done with it. I wanted to be dressing and leaving and on my way to the next thing.

Again, it’s been eight years, but I had to grab my phone and distract myself with work emails so that I wouldn’t think about anything else.

EIGHT YEARS, people! Cancer is like a fiery comet with a long tail that is visible for years after the thing itself passes.

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Oh! I got a clean bill of health. Good to go for another year!

Favorite Calm Things: Orchid Show

(Title image: Photo by White.Rainforest ™︎ ∙ 易雨白林. on Unsplash)

This post doesn’t need a lot of words, the pictures will be enough.

The quick description is that I had the chance to stop by the San Diego Country Orchid Show this past weekend, and the display was as glorious as I expected it to be. Lots of stunningly gorgeous flowers in a brilliant array of colors. It’s the kind of thing that takes my breath away and ushers in a rush of endorphins.

I was happily clicking photos on my phone and I was not the only one. Here is a smattering of the beauty I observed:

(Gallery photos by FranticShanti)

The last image is, of course, not an orchid but rather a very friendly talking parrot who made sure to say “Hi!” to everyone who walked by.

Today I’m Looking Forward To…

(Title image: FranticShanti)

Here’s a slightly different type of gratitude practice. It’s a nice little way to bring more joy into your life.

Instead of looking for things to be grateful for, try simply thinking of things that you might be looking forward to.

They don’t have to be big productions like an expensive vacation or some sort of exclusive party. This works just as well, perhaps even better, with something small.

Grab a pen and a sticky note and start looking forward to the little things.
(Photo by Ravi Palwe on Unsplash)

How small? How about receiving a new calendar you ordered that has pictures you find particularly soothing? Or maybe going to a museum that you haven’t visited in a while. Or visiting a local garden shop just to browse and take in the glorious colors.

Clean out your coffee maker and look forward to having tomorrow’s coffee brew in a clean machine.

Or look forward to getting into bed in the evening and stretching out comfortably.

Consider the things you could potentially look forward to…get granular about it…and try to see what the smallest thing might be that you could look forward to enjoying.

There’s a lot of good stuff in between those pickets.
(Photo by Brad Switzer on Unsplash)

The “grandness” of the thing doesn’t matter—what matters is how you feel about it. And perhaps, at first thought, you consider it insignificant, but when you lean into it, you realize that it truly is something that brings you joy.

The more of these little things we can find, the more we realize that little bits of joy are scattered throughout our lives. And once we become aware of one, we might start noticing them everywhere.

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Speaking from personal experience, I find it very easy to become overwhelmed with the negatives in my life. There are times when it seems like all the difficulties come crashing down at once, at the worst possible moment.

However, it is worth shifting our focus and noticing the things that aren’t going wrong. It’s as if you are looking at a picket fence. The fence itself might be the negatives and they’re hard to miss—after all, they’re right in front of you.

But if you look through the posts of the fence, into the space between, that’s where you see everything “not wrong”. And you might find that, in fact, there is more “not wrong” space than there is picket fence.

So I encourage you to take some time when things get difficult to look through the fence and find your little joys to look forward to. Focus on them, write them on a sticky note and put the note somewhere where you’ll see it in the morning.

And then smile.

I have my note ready…

An Inspirational, Motivational Snail

(Title image: Photo by Frederick Yang on Unsplash)

There are good weeks and there are bad weeks…and then there are weeks that you’re kind of managing and getting by, but know that your stressors will still be there for a while.

Last week was one of those for me. On the bright side, such days are a perfect time to practice stress management techniques. Notice the ups and downs. Ride them like waves, understanding that they will peak and ebb in a cyclical manner and eventually wash up on shore. All of this can lead to personal growth, even though we might not have wanted such a lesson in the first place.

At the same time, you might be thinking, “Thanks, but I’d like to pass on the personal growth for now.” In that case, maybe what you need is a short video of a snail doing something that seems impossible.

Here’s a little clip a friend brought to my attention that provides “don’t give up” inspiration for those times when you are waaay out of your comfort zone and will be having to pull yourself along for some time to come.

Hope you get as much inspiration out of this little guy as I did. Enjoy!

When ya gotta keep going, streeeeeeeetch…and then stretch some more.

I Thought I Was Doing Better

(Title image: Photo by Merch HÜSEY on Unsplash)

Last week, I met with a friend that I don’t see often. We were talking about what was going on in our lives and he related how he loved where he lived right now, and put a positive spin on everything in his life, even when talking about negative happenings.

He sounded sunny and was handling the tough stuff that came his way.

But then it was my turn to tell him about what I’d been up to. I started describing what I’d been dealing with: my father’s decline and death last year, worries about my mother’s well-being, concerns about the increasing cost-of-living…

My friend smiled at me. The last time he had talked to me, he said, I was stressed about something else. In fact, every time he calls me, there’s some new thing that I’m stressed about.

And of course he’s right. As much as I’ve improved in handling anxiety using all the tools I’ve developed to calm myself down—and, yes, I’ve found success with that—the overarching feeling that I have is that I’m playing whack-a-mole with my worries.

It’s as if I’m trying to regain my footing, but something new comes up and knocks me off balance again.

I admit it. I’m feeling worn out.
(Photo by Anca Gabriela Zosin on Unsplash)

After getting past cancer treatments like chemotherapy and radiation, you’d think that the skies would look brighter and my outlook would be more positive. And for quite some time that was completely true.

But as endocrine therapy wore on and I went through menopause, my spirit suffered. The luster of surviving cancer started wearing off. That’s embarrasing to admit, especially when I have lost friends and family to the disease and know of many others desperately fighting it.

But even being aware of that, my day-to-day seems to have become darker overall. I start the day with energy to get things done but by evening I’m exhausted and sometimes overwhelmed by what’s in front of me.

I know some of this is my own doing. In fact, one of the big, scary changes that I was faced with this year just sorted itself out. It was simpler than I expected (note my previous post). And then my son was admitted to the college he wanted to attend. All these are refreshing successes that I should have spent time basking in. But it didn’t take long for the clouds to gather again.

After hearing my friend’s assessment of me, I am trying to figure out whether what I’m going through is really getting harder? Or have I gradually been losing my ability to pull myself out of a funk? And once the uncertainties are settled, will I bounce back?

I feel disappointed in myself, which is exactly part of the problem. Lack of self-compassion simply compounds the stress. You know the carrot-and-stick analogy? Well, I’ve tossed the carrot and am just beating myself with the stick.

Back to the drawing board.