March 2025 – Frantic Shanti

I Thought I Was Doing Better

(Title image: Photo by Merch HÜSEY on Unsplash)

Last week, I met with a friend that I don’t see often. We were talking about what was going on in our lives and he related how he loved where he lived right now, and put a positive spin on everything in his life, even when talking about negative happenings.

He sounded sunny and was handling the tough stuff that came his way.

But then it was my turn to tell him about what I’d been up to. I started describing what I’d been dealing with: my father’s decline and death last year, worries about my mother’s well-being, concerns about the increasing cost-of-living…

My friend smiled at me. The last time he had talked to me, he said, I was stressed about something else. In fact, every time he calls me, there’s some new thing that I’m stressed about.

And of course he’s right. As much as I’ve improved in handling anxiety using all the tools I’ve developed to calm myself down—and, yes, I’ve found success with that—the overarching feeling that I have is that I’m playing whack-a-mole with my worries.

It’s as if I’m trying to regain my footing, but something new comes up and knocks me off balance again.

I admit it. I’m feeling worn out.
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After getting past cancer treatments like chemotherapy and radiation, you’d think that the skies would look brighter and my outlook would be more positive. And for quite some time that was completely true.

But as endocrine therapy wore on and I went through menopause, my spirit suffered. The luster of surviving cancer started wearing off. That’s embarrasing to admit, especially when I have lost friends and family to the disease and know of many others desperately fighting it.

But even being aware of that, my day-to-day seems to have become darker overall. I start the day with energy to get things done but by evening I’m exhausted and sometimes overwhelmed by what’s in front of me.

I know some of this is my own doing. In fact, one of the big, scary changes that I was faced with this year just sorted itself out. It was simpler than I expected (note my previous post). And then my son was admitted to the college he wanted to attend. All these are refreshing successes that I should have spent time basking in. But it didn’t take long for the clouds to gather again.

After hearing my friend’s assessment of me, I am trying to figure out whether what I’m going through is really getting harder? Or have I gradually been losing my ability to pull myself out of a funk? And once the uncertainties are settled, will I bounce back?

I feel disappointed in myself, which is exactly part of the problem. Lack of self-compassion simply compounds the stress. You know the carrot-and-stick analogy? Well, I’ve tossed the carrot and am just beating myself with the stick.

Back to the drawing board.

But What If Everything Goes Right?

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Friends, I am a worrier. You’d be hard-pressed to find something that I wouldn’t worry about.

I know better. And I’ve actually gotten better.

But even with practicing mindful self-awareness, those foreboding thoughts of “what if everything goes wrong” creep in, particularly at night.

Because 2025 is a year of big changes for me, there have been many opportunities to awaken in the darkness, worrying about how this and that can go totally downhill.

A few days ago I was on the same train ride, hurtling through fears, when it hit me that, in the same way that I can imagine everything crashing and burning and my life being miserable and terrifying, I didn’t have to fear the worst. Things could work out.

Call that the “Schrodinger’s Box” philosophy of life. At the same time that things could be awful, they can simultaneously be fabulous—or somewhere along that spectrum. No matter what you’re anticipating, it won’t be until you finish the exam, give the speech, get the biopsy results or have the conversation that you will really know how things turn out.

Fear and avoidance are not the way to go through life.
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So if you don’t know, you might as well think positively, tempered with a healthy dose of realism. Things are rarely black or white. Just as we shouldn’t be “all negative”, we shouldn’t be “all positive” either.

Ok, so right here I need to backtrack and say a word about “positivity” and “negativity”. When we practice mindfulness, we strive to release expectations, to not attach ourselves to an outcome. Yes, I get that.

That is an ideal. Our minds don’t always allow us this.

But if there is a choice between being morose or upbeat, you are still better off being upbeat. Realistic and upbeat.

I’ve heard people justify constantly being negative by saying that at least they will be “prepared for bad news” so that it’s not a shock. I used to think that too, fearing the precipitous drop in spirit when you’re expecting something good and get something bad instead. But I’m no longer convinced that doom-and-gloom saves you from anything.

Consider the “coward dies a thousand deaths” adage. Perpetual pessimism can lead to all sorts of health issues, mental and otherwise. For example, living in constant fear may result in anxiety, depression and high blood pressure,among other things. And with enough time, those can turn into something worse.

Again, the ‘ideal’ is non-attachment. But if you cannot completely disengage from imagining an outcome, your mind and body will be better served by considering that everything will work out in the end. At least you’ll be able to sleep better at night.

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And what is recognized as the optimal way of thinking? There exists the concept of “short-term realism, long-term optimism”. This means that you take care of the tough stuff in the present, facing challenges head on, but keep your chin up and not lose hope for the future.

Naptime with Animal Friends: A Calming Visualization

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I recently came up with a fun visualization for calming myself that I wanted to share with you. It’s ideal if you love animals.

The concept is quite simple. Imagine yourself in a comfortable place outdoors with an environment that is what you like best. As an example, for me, it’s a warm-ish spring or summer day and I’m sitting under an arbor covered in wisteria or another flowering vine with leaves just dense enough to allow dappled light through.

Create a detailed, colorful picture of your perfect place in your mind. And then…start settling. Bringing attention to your body, imagine what it would feel like to be there. As your breath slows, the calmness you generate travels outward and attracts friendly animals to you.

You are the Pied Piper of imaginary animals.
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Perhaps a colorful bird alights on your shoulder or next to you. A bunny hops over and snuggles next to you. Or maybe you attract a group of sleepy cats that come, purring, and rub their faces against you before stretching out beside you and perhaps in your lap.

The animals can be whatever you desire. Maybe it’s a family of platypuses? Or perhaps you’re sitting by a natural pool, feet in the water, and koi are languidly swimming around you. Sometimes, I imagine something potentially frightening and powerful like a tiger appearing, then nuzzling my hair before he rolls onto the ground to snooze, pressed up to me.

It doesn’t have to be realistic. It just has to make you feel good. There are no rules.

All animals relax around you as long as you stay relaxed around them.
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The richer and more vibrant the picture, the more easily you will settle. As you develop the image in your mind, watching the butterflies circle around your head or feel the weight of the wolf’s head as she lays it on your shoulder, you nurture a sense of calm. These animals are attracted to you because you are what soothes them.

And the reason that you soothe them is because you have calmed yourself. Being calm, and tranferring that feeling to others, is your superpower.

If you lose focus and your mind drifts into worry or to-do lists, the animals will scatter, so you have to notice what’s happening and resume the visualization to show them that it’s safe to return. Allow a warm breeze against your skin or the cooing of mourning doves to transition you back to this calm space.

Understand that you have this ability to generate a sense of well-being, in yourself and others. You might not always be aware of it in the middle of a busy day…but it is there. Close your eyes, feel into your feet and call your favorite furry, feathered or scaly friend to you for a snuggle.

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If you’d rather not imagine animals, you can make flowers bloom or young children smile and nod off (which might be very satisfying if you are a preschool teacher!).

Favorite Calm Things: Chipmunks and Squirrels

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Sometimes I need to shift my attention from the worries of the day and look at little fuzzy critters. One of my favorite outlets for this has become the Twitch stream @Chipmunks_and_Squirrels, on YouTube as @Chipmunksandsquirrels.

As the name suggests, this is a video stream of small woodland animals set in a lovely little backyard sanctuary built on the edge of a Connecticut forest. The audio is recorded at the same time as the video so you get a true sense of being in the woods, watching the little critters eat all the snackies put out for them.

It’s also touted as the perfect stream to leave on for your cats or dogs to keep them occupied. Sadly, I don’t have a pet to test this with, but it certainly serves as a soothing balm for me during a hectic work day! I often leave the stream on in the background as I’m working. It’s the perfect mix of nature sounds to be calming while not too distracting. And it provides a nice break to look at something other than spreadsheets.

Video of the activity from a live stream — “Chipmunks and Squirrels” streams live everyday on YouTube and Twitch.

The most frequent visitors tend to be gray and red squirrels and the high-definition camera focuses quickly to give beautiful closeups of them. But I’ve also seen an array of birds, including colorful bluejays and cardinals, and in the evening, curious raccoons. That’s just within the last couple of months.

Some of the squirrels I’ve seen often enough that I’ve been able to recognize them, including ones I’ve dubbed “Notch” (who has a notch in one ear) and “Slice” (who is missing the top of an ear). But there are quite a few others who come by.

And this is all in the cold of winter. I’m looking forward to warmer weather, longer days and the variety of creatures that spring and summer will bring. Should be lovely!

The YouTube channel (https://www.youtube.com/@Chipmunksandsquirrels) also offers a lot of video clips and shorts for those of us without a lot of time or attention span. Check it out and let me know what you think. 😀

8 Year Cancer-versary and Everything Hurts

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This past weekend marked eight years since my breast cancer diagnosis and I recently had another oncologist appointment.

Over the years my appointments have become lighthearted. This one was not so much.

While I was concerned about the migraine auras that I’d been experiencing in the fall of last year, my oncologist had called me in November 2024 with the results of my bone density scan: I’d lost more bone and was deeper in osteopenia.

To be fair, I don’t even know how much more. It had been strange to find myself labeled with osteopenia when I had my first bone density scan over five years ago. Neither my oncologist nor I could understand it. I live a very active life with frequent workouts, including a lot of strength training. By all accounts I should have strong bones. At the time, we figured it was something to do with algorithms applied to the bone density data and my bones were actually in better shape.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
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This time around, it was worse. Since the first measurement, I’d had two years of tamoxifen and one of aromatase inhibitors. That didn’t help. But all the exercise? Did it not matter? Apparently not enough.

That was frustrating on its own. But to add to that frustration, I’ve been hit with injuries. My left shoulder, my left hip and most recently my lower back.

Each one of these has taken a toll on my exercise schedule and I will likely have to seek out physical therapy for at least the shoulder. At least. The hip I have been able to manage to a certain extent. Then I tweaked my lower back rowing about two weeks ago…I kept working out, more gingerly for sure…until I managed to re-tweak my back because apparently I am incapable of leaving things well enough alone.

On the bright side, the pain in my back made me completely forget the pain in my hip. Which is not to say that there is no pain, just that it pales in comparison to back spasms.

My oncologist offered to order a spinal scan for me. I graciously declined—I’m pretty darn sure it’s just my back muscles—but his concern is valid. If I’m lifting weights with increasingly porous bones, he’s worried about spinal compression fractures.

I guess he won’t have to worry about it now. I’ve been smacked in the face with a healthy dose of humility. No, I had no intention of pulling back on my workouts, but doing so is unavoidable. The amount of weight I can lift without injury has steadily decreased (injury by injury) and with this last helping of pain, I have to face reality. I need to completely rehaul my workouts along with my expectations.

Just sittin’ and chillin’ and dreamin’ of strong bones.
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Perhaps most importantly, I need to not view this as a failure on my part. Because while I knew that eventually that day would come, I was not prepared to actually accept that it was here. I was still trying to “work my way back up” to where I was before, even when I knew that it was unrealistic.

After all, I remind myself, the fact that I need to adopt a slightly gentler approach to my workouts is a sign of success: the reason I need to be more careful now is because I have survived this long past my diagnosis. That’s not a punishment or a capitulation. It is, in fact, a blessing and a luxury that many cancer patients don’t have.

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What now? I am resistant to bone-building bisphosphonates at this time, for a variety of reasons (hello, side effects). I want to see if I can stop/slow the bone loss on my own. I have the exercise part down, no problem. But to be completely honest, my dietary intake of calcium was very low. I had every intention of supplementing with calcium after my first bone density scan, but got spooked by the potential for heart issues.

Since then, I’ve learned about the importance of Vitamin K2 and the Japanese fermented bean natto, which has loads of it and makes sure calcium gets to the bones instead of the heart. I’ve re-started the calcium supplements with a daily serving of the fermented stuff. You could say, I’ve become an aficio-natto.

And now that I am forced to back off the intense exercise, I have the opportunity to focus on mobility work, stretching and rehabilitation as I discover what body parts are going to need the attention of a physical therapist. We’ll see how this new approach to fitness works.