There are good weeks and there are bad weeks…and then there are weeks that you’re kind of managing and getting by, but know that your stressors will still be there for a while.
Last week was one of those for me. On the bright side, such days are a perfect time to practice stress management techniques. Notice the ups and downs. Ride them like waves, understanding that they will peak and ebb in a cyclical manner and eventually wash up on shore. All of this can lead to personal growth, even though we might not have wanted such a lesson in the first place.
At the same time, you might be thinking, “Thanks, but I’d like to pass on the personal growth for now.” In that case, maybe what you need is a short video of a snail doing something that seems impossible.
Here’s a little clip a friend brought to my attention that provides “don’t give up” inspiration for those times when you are waaay out of your comfort zone and will be having to pull yourself along for some time to come.
Hope you get as much inspiration out of this little guy as I did. Enjoy!
When ya gotta keep going, streeeeeeeetch…and then stretch some more.
Yes, revenge is not a nice word. But if you’re having “that kind of a day” it just might offer you the kick in the pants that you need.
Here’s an example: last week was hectic for me. There were additional work demands on top of which popped up all sorts of fires that I needed to put out. Things were not going smoothly, I missed out on exercise, wasn’t sleeping well, got a letter of rent increase, had an upset stomach—all of which were dragging me into a funk.
With all the negative things coming at me, I lost my emotional footing.
So…I decided to take revenge on the bad news, work emergencies and everything else.
And I was going to do it by not letting it affect me. I even wrote “revenge” on a sticky note and put it up on my computer monitor (NOT at work! At home, where it’s easier to explain myself).
Just say “NO” to allowing the negatives in life to run you ragged. You show ’em! (Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash)
Like I mentioned at the top of the post, revenge brings with it all sorts of negative connotations. It’s kind of like giving in to the “dark side” and using your anger, frustration, despair and whatnot to overcome you. I’m NOT advocating for that.
But there is a certain fire and focus that the concept of revenge embodies…yes, we can call it passion, but I’m not in the mood for that. So I’ll stick with simple revenge with the understanding that sometimes, little rebels that we are, we will do exactly the opposite of what the situations are drawing out of us. Just because.
Freak out? No, you bully, watch me remain calm. Heart starts racing? No no no, I soothe myself with deep breaths and extended exhales. Scary thoughts fluttering wildly in my head? Nope, I bring my attention down to my feet and seat, settling down into where I am now.
No temporary wrinkles are going to ruffle me. And I know that all these things are TEMPORARY. This might be fierce defiance that I’m dipping into, like a recalcitrant toddler, but if it works, it works.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is probably not what the great teachers of mindfulness had in mind…but, ehh, today I’m not playing nice.
Some people may experience resistance to this concept.
But as the United States heads into a contentious election, there are a lot of electrified emotions. People are on edge, tempers short and those who think differently from us are viewed with suspicion, disdain or hostility.
It’s very easy to get sucked into that kind of thinking because “us vs. them”messaging abounds and there’s always someone who seeks to profit from continual polarization.
Perhaps someone supports the “other” candidate and we imagine that they are a certain type of person with numeous negative characteristics.
But I offer a different way of looking at them.
We open ourselves to heartbreak when we close the door to understanding. (Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash)
Consider someone that you’ve met or read about and formed a negative opinion of based on very little information. All you know is that they disagree with you on topics that you feel strongly about.
Then think about what their motivations are. And instead of allowing yourself to follow down the path of immediate condemnation, consider that they might have motivations very similar to yours. If they seem angry, consider that the anger and hatred you perceive is stoked by fear and concern.
They may fear for what happens to their family. Perhaps they feel that their children are at risk. It’s possible that they believe their livelihood is threatened or that they themselves are in grave danger. They may feel very deeply about the same things that you feel deeply about, but their perspective is different.
What if you try to soften your views of them? That doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. But try not to vilify them for how passionately they care about the issues that they do.
Do you find yourself resisting this practice? Perhaps it seems like you don’t want to “give them an inch” because of a plethora of perceived injuries. Or that extending them some grace is somehow morally reprehensible.
But does living with that kind of anger in your heart serve you better? What are the emotions that keep you from wishing someone well: fear, suspicion, anger, pain, obstinance…all these are negative drivers. They will never bring you a sense of peace.
There is a point at which we realize that maintaining polarization takes far more energy than acknowledging that someone thinks differently because they care deeply, even though their solution is different from yours.
Showing respect to people is not the same as agreeing with them. You do not have to vote for their candidate. You don’t have to believe that their way is the only way.
But try to release animosity. Because if there is one right that we should all grant ourselves, it is to live together in an environment where we understand each other, even if we don’t agree.
After a few weeks away for a funeral in my hometown, it’s not so simple to jump back into what I was doing before.
This has led to some ‘motivation’ issues (complicated by the grieving process, no doubt). As a result, I’ve been reviewing how I tackle difficult tasks. Before I undertake anything that I consider less palatable, it’s not unusual for me to have some sort of visceral reaction to the idea of the task. I think this is true for many of us. And we might not even be aware that this is taking place.
But if that response is strong enough and negative enough, it can shut down the possibility of accomplishing the task in front of us.
If we can’t get past that point, we don’t tackle the things we should. Unfortunately, those may be the kinds of things that help us grow personally, professionally, health-wise and the like.
So I have a suggestion for you. The next time you have that “ugh, I can’t do that” reaction, stop and consider:
* But…what if I could? * How would I go about taking care of that? What steps would I take? * What would it feel like to know that I was doing it? * How great would it feel to be done?
When you start answering these questions for yourself, several things happen. You introduce the possibility of starting, making it less daunting. Sometimes that’s the hardest part. You open up a path for moving forward, breaking down what needs to be done into small steps. You may imagine yourself taking care of things and bring them into reality.
So what does this look like? Take cleaning as an example, something that I usually put off. “House cleaning” as a concept may seem like a monolithic undertaking. There are so many other things that I’d like to be doing, and many of them important. But consider, what might it be like to just, say, grab the vacuum cleaner and vacuum one area…yeah, that seems doable. And maybe after that, just empty some trash cans. How would it feel to do that? Not to get bogged down in the process but to move through it.
The “Done” List
Try a different kind of list. Instead of (or in addition to) a “to-do” list, make a “done” list. Write down everything you’ve accomplished. It can feel really good to see what you’ve done and more positive than simply crossing off items on a “to-do” list since you’re adding accomplishments instead of taking away tasks.
If you have a particularly difficult time getting motivated, split your already-split-up tasks up into even smaller parts: instead of waiting until you’ve “vacuumed the house” to write it down, note that you “vaccuumed the entry way”, “vacuumed the front part of the living room”, even “vaccumed the doormat”. It counts. Because no matter what you’ve done, it’s still better than not having done anything, even if it’s just one thing.
Let your own need for putting completed tasks behind you be the guide for how granular to get with this.
I do this when I clean. And, yes, my go-to is the vacuum to get started. Or sometimes the toilet. But it could also be doing the dishes, something that I’ve actually dreaded in the past but realized that it takes a surprisingly short time. Our brains are what stop us from proceeding so make the process rewarding to your gray matter.
Many of the tasks that we don’t undertake are simpler, easier and take less time than we anticipate (or fear!). The key is to not psych ourselves out, instead breaking them down into bite-sized pieces and recognizing their completion as a reality. Even if you don’t do it all, you’ve done part, bouyed by the knowledge that it doesn’t have to be perfect to count. This builds positive associations with getting things done.
Apologies because this might sound like a rant but this topic has been on my mind a lot lately.
When you’re diagnosed with cancer, you learn about the many side effects of treatments.
You will be informed about the physical and even psychological effects that cancer patients deal with, but there are also considerable financial repercussions. Patients may struggle with hospital bills: some lose their insurance coverage, others might never have had any to begin with, those who have coverage may find that it’s insufficient. It’s not uncommon to hear how cancer has driven survivors and their families into bankruptcy.
On top of that, cancer can do a number on your career aspirations for years to come.
Money issues are one of the side effects of cancer that don’t get a lot of airtime…but really should. (Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash)
In case you think that it’s uncool to complain about one’s career in the face of having survived cancer, let me get this out of the way: being a cancer survivor is a privilege. I’ve written before about how acutely aware I am that I have lasted longer than many cancer patients.
But as the effectiveness of cancer treatments improves, the number of cancer survivors increases and long-term repercussions become a more and more serious consideration, particularly how they affect ongoing quality of life.
For people who are still working out their careers, cancer can derail progress because it plants a huge stop sign in their path.
Think of going into the chemo infusion room: the days leading up to it entail appointments, port placement, purchasing supplies (anti-emetics, anyone?) and in general prepping for being out of commission about a week.
It’s not the time to focus on stressful work deadlines (and most sincere condolences to any patient who has to do that!).
Ironically, as much as I feared infusions, they actually gave me an excuse to focus on myself instead of worrying about everyone else. I posted about that here somewhat sadly that chemo allowed me to rest without feeling guilty.
It was at that point that I’d realized I’d been pushing myself, always expecting more and not feeling like I was measuring up. Chemo gave me a break from that. Which was good…kind of…
But after chemo and radiation came endocrine therapy, so just as I was winding down from one set of side effects, up popped another.
And all those plans I’d had for myself were put off again and again. Career goals seemed more out of reach because my timeline had shifted.
Well, I’m not stupid, so I changed my career goals. Makes sense, right? Cancer provided a different perspective on things and motivated me in another direction.
But in the wake of cancer treatment, I feel like I’m walking in cement shoes…if it’s not one thing it’s another. I got off aromatase inhibitors (early) and then realized that I was having memory and focus issues. Whether Cancer Related Cognitive Impairment (CRCI) or menopause-driven brain fog, all of a sudden I’m dealing with something else.
It feels as though the train to prosperity has left the station and I was just a little too late to catch it.
Great.
Right now I’m looking at sky-rocketing costs-of-living in a part of the country that literally got expensive around me. Instead of moving up in the world, my family and I are desperately searching for less pricey housing which will put us in worse conditions and a longer commute to work.
And at age 57, when most of my friends are looking at enjoying retirement in the years to come, planning for what they’ll do in their golden years, I’m trying to reeducate myself, shifting into a career that doesn’t make much use of previous work experience.
And it feel exhausting. Sometimes I want to cry.
I want to believe this, I really do. But I don’t think that there’s a reward for surviving cancer beyond simply surviving cancer. (Photo by Nik on Unsplash)
Yes, I’m happy to be alive. But no, this was not the way I thought things would go. When initially I was told that I had a decent chance of surviving for five years, that was all I could think about. In fact, that was all that mattered.
I wasn’t thinking about the fact that if I managed to live through this, I’d still need to find a way to make a living. And the interruption that was cancer could do a number on that.
At this point, I need to stress that my intention is *not* to try to scare cancer patients into dreading survivorship. Goodness knows, there are enough things to navigate within the cancer experience as relate to the usual treatments that will take your energy and attention.
I wish nothing less for you than 100% remission and many years ahead to enjoy your “survivor” label.
At the same time, I encourage you to remain present and mindful of the fact that you might have to pivot if you’re not already well-established in your career. If things start to change in a direction that’s southward of what you expected, be patient and readjust your expectations. Nuture acceptance and keep an eye on how you can put yourself in a good position to meet the future. And be kind to yourself.
You’ve probably heard this phrase in a commercial somewhere: “If I can do it, so can you!” It’s meant to make difficult goals seem attainable.
Some people may find this very motivating. And it certainly can be. Sometimes all we need is a little spark of hope to push us into achieving great things.
But it can also be used as an instrument to shame people into thinking that they’re not trying hard enough. That there’s something wrong with them.
Just because you’re not getting the results that someone else did does not mean that you lack a good work ethic.
From a marketing standpoint, the idea is that you push responsibility off the item or program or whatever it is you’re selling, and onto the person buying into it. Because obviously, there’s “proof” that it works. I mean, it worked for someone. So if you’re not getting the same results, it’s an issue that you have.
I’ve also seen this used with cancer patients. An exceptional individual who has defied the odds and still accomplished so much under negative circumstances is held up as an example of what is possible. They’re called an inspiration.
And it’s true, what they did was possible. For them. But we know very little about what else was going on in their lives to support their endeavors.
It’s admirable that these people are able to achieve what they have, but it’s unreasonable to expect that from everyone. And sometimes obstacles that no one else can see (emotional pain, underlying fears, mental illnesses) may hinder us, and the best that we can do is get through the day. Or sometimes, just manage to crawl out of bed.
We may know this and yet still hold ourselves to those standards, and as a result, reap disappointment.
Why am I bringing this up now?
Maybe it wasn’t that you didn’t try hard enough. Maybe it’s because the goal was not the right goal for you.
Because as a cancer survivor, I’ve expected things of myself that I simply cannot do anymore and then became frustrated with my inability to fulfill my unrealistic expectations.
And hated myself for it.
So this is a little reminder to consider what is right for you. Definitely, set goals and seek higher heights! But make sure they are your goals and they fit your life and abilities. That they are meaningful for you. This may require you to adjust your expectations in a way that demonstrates respect for yourself.
Because if someone is trying to amaze you with whatever they’ve done that they’re trying to convince you to do, consider that they might be getting far more out of your willingness to try to live up to their standards than you’ll get out if it yourself.
Exercise has been an integral and indispensable part of my cancer recovery and my life as a whole. I’ve maintained a personal trainer certification (ACSM-CPT) for over a decade and even though I don’t train professionally, I keep abreast of new research and love a challenging workout.
Still, there are days that even I find myself dreading the session I have planned. For those times, I engage in mental calisthenics and rely on a mindful attitude. If you’re struggling to find motivation to exercise, this may help you too.
Note, motivation is something you generate yourself. It is inside you, but you have to coax it out. Be gentle. Hiring a personal trainer to beat you with a stick when you’re not up to a workout is not going to make you look forward to exercising more. But the following concepts might help:
Consider that a workout is made up of a series of movements.
Stop looking at a workout as a massive monolithic thing. Doing so can be overwhelming and make it more likely that you’ll talk yourself out of it before you even begin. Instead, consider that it’s made up of distinct parts, steps that you take one at a time.
Stay in the moment and keep each movement fresh.
Stay present and focus on the part of the movement that you’re doing at the moment, truly feeling into it. If you’re on a rowing machine, concentrate on each individual stroke making sure that you’re using proper form as you reach, push with your legs, and pull the handle. If you’re lifting weights, focus on where your body is in space, on contracting the muscle as you lift, on exhaling as you do so, keeping your body properly aligned. If your exercise is a brisk walk, be aware of how you’re stepping, pushing forward, swinging your arms. These movements become a meditation in and of themselves.
What matters is the here and now.
Release thoughts of how much longer you have until you’re done. Focus on the stroke, step or rep that you’re taking at this very moment. And then when you’ve completed it, consider the next movement with the same fresh attitude. Just as you would if you were focusing on each breath during meditation.
If you can’t finish your workout, that okay. You can try again tomorrow.
Practice self-care.
Do not force yourself to finish an entire workout if you *really* don’t have the energy to–but that means truly listening to your body’s limitations, not discouraging voices in your head. You are better off making a concerted effort at doing, say, half your distance or only one set per weight lifting exercise and doing it well, instead of making yourself so miserable that you don’t exercise again for another week and a half.
If you’re thinking, “I’m not up to doing the entire workout”, ask yourself, “Well, how much can I do?” and at least start. Consistency is key.
Let go of expectations.
Release preconceived notions of how your workout will go and how tired, miserable or sore you’ve already decided that you will feel. Look at each movement with fresh eyes. Employ a beginner’s mind. Get curious about how everything feels.
While it’s true that you’re exercising your body, your mind has a lot of influence on what will happen. The kind of exercise session you have is up to you. Decide to use your best form, draw on as much energy as you have in the moment, and exercise as much as you have planned. And if you cannot go as long you anticipated and have to stop earlier, let that be okay. No matter how much exercise you do, you are still better off than having done nothing. No one can take that accomplishment away from you.
Frantic Shanti 