Month: November 2024

All I Want for Christmas is No More Auras

(Title image: Photo by Brian Suh on Unsplash)

This was supposed to be a post for USA residents about how to find some harmony during the Thanksgiving holiday amidst the tensions brought by relatives with strongly differing views of the world. Such disagreements are always a possibility when families get together, but likely even worse this year.

But, no. Instead, I’m sitting here wearing sunglasses in a darkened room as I plink out this post.

Remember those shimmering scythe-shaped mosaics (auras) that I wrote about intruding on my vision some weeks ago? The ones that are associated with ocular migraines, but in my case minus any headache? Well, they’re still happening and with greater frequency.

Depending on which of my healthcare professionals you talk to, they either want to (1) wait and see how things progress or (2) shove me into an MRI tube ASAP.

Trying to keep my sense of humor…

And me? I really want to not be dealing with this issue. After seven years of putting a lot of space between my cancer diagnosis and the present moment, I am getting stressed by the possibility of this being something quite serious. And all I wanted was to enjoy the upcoming holiday season.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Here are the details: I’ve now had seven of these episodes in about two months—I’m not even sure when the very first one was. After the last one (which was the second of two last week), I left a message with my ophthalmologist.

However, it was my oncologist who happened to call a few hours later, completely coincidentally, to give me unrelated scan results.

So, since I had him on the line, I told him about the auras. He sounded sad. And you know what? You never want your oncologist to sound sad, especially when they’re usually so good at being neutral when delivering news.

And then my ophthalmologist called back late that afternoon, urging me to see my primary care doctor as soon as possible and also schedule an appointment with her for the next day.

Next day, I snag a morning appointment with my primary care provider, explain the situation and the fact that I have no other symptoms other than the auras. Her take: this is very weird, yes…but it’s a hard sell to get this to qualify for an MRI at this time, even with the frequency. With my consent, she wanted to wait for a little bit and see whether the auras continued.

Or, I guess, until my head exploded or something.

Find a happy place, find a happy place, find a happy place…
(Photo by serjan midili on Unsplash)

When I saw my ophthalmologist that afternoon, she was extremely concerned and incredulous that an MRI wasn’t the first course of action. I could tell that she felt waiting was a bad idea.

But ultimately, she acquiesed to the notion that we’ll wait, although she’s sending a synopsis of her findings to my primary. She instructed me to take excruciatingly detailed notes the next time one of these auras occurs

And if you’re still reading this far down and are convinced that my goose is cooked, maybe it isn’t. Sure this whole experience is stressing me out. But there are far too many confounding variables present to resign myself to the fact that I’ll be getting my head shaved again soon…variables which I might be writing about in a future post…

…or I’ll be talking about my ride in the MRI tube and subsquent diagnosis.

But for now, I’m going to rest my eyes in a darkened room and think of silky fur on a contentedly purring kitten.

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For everyone in the USA, have a wonderful Thankgiving with your lovely families this Thursday…and let’s all try to keep it civil.

Staying Calm is the Best Revenge

(Title image: Image by Pexels from Pixabay)

Yes, revenge is not a nice word. But if you’re having “that kind of a day” it just might offer you the kick in the pants that you need.

Here’s an example: last week was hectic for me. There were additional work demands on top of which popped up all sorts of fires that I needed to put out. Things were not going smoothly, I missed out on exercise, wasn’t sleeping well, got a letter of rent increase, had an upset stomach—all of which were dragging me into a funk.

With all the negative things coming at me, I lost my emotional footing.

So…I decided to take revenge on the bad news, work emergencies and everything else.

And I was going to do it by not letting it affect me. I even wrote “revenge” on a sticky note and put it up on my computer monitor (NOT at work! At home, where it’s easier to explain myself).

Just say “NO” to allowing the negatives in life to run you ragged. You show ’em!
(Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash)

Like I mentioned at the top of the post, revenge brings with it all sorts of negative connotations. It’s kind of like giving in to the “dark side” and using your anger, frustration, despair and whatnot to overcome you. I’m NOT advocating for that.

But there is a certain fire and focus that the concept of revenge embodies…yes, we can call it passion, but I’m not in the mood for that. So I’ll stick with simple revenge with the understanding that sometimes, little rebels that we are, we will do exactly the opposite of what the situations are drawing out of us. Just because.

Freak out? No, you bully, watch me remain calm. Heart starts racing? No no no, I soothe myself with deep breaths and extended exhales. Scary thoughts fluttering wildly in my head? Nope, I bring my attention down to my feet and seat, settling down into where I am now.

No temporary wrinkles are going to ruffle me. And I know that all these things are TEMPORARY. This might be fierce defiance that I’m dipping into, like a recalcitrant toddler, but if it works, it works.

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This is probably not what the great teachers of mindfulness had in mind…but, ehh, today I’m not playing nice.

“Lightening Up”: A Breathing Visualization

(Title image: Photo by Josh Rangel on Unsplash)

Since I’ve found my stress levels higher this year, I’ve been playing with ways to quickly calm myself down.

Here’s one that I’ve been using lately. It’s very simple and involves a basic visualization, but has also been effective in grounding me fast.

And it goes like this…

Sit comfortably on a stable seat with a dignified upright posture, not too rigid, not too loose. Close the eyes or, if you prefer, soften your gaze with eyes cast downwards.

Then start slowing your breath, deepening your inhale and extending your exhale. Not focusing on a particular part of the breath cycle, but more on your entire body, noticing it rock with the breath, feeling it settle with every exhale.

Every inhale gives you a lift.
(Photo by Florian Klauer on Unsplash)

As this becomes comfortable, start visualizing the expansion and contraction of your body, as if the breath were a hollowing out of your insides. Imagine that inside you there is a space like a balloon. And the inhale is an inflation of the balloon, with the exhale a gentle relaxation of that stretch.

No need to imagine specifics about the balloon, what’s important is to notice the stretch and an opening inside as the air flows in, the expansion releasing muscles that might be tight from stress. And then, as the air flows out, notice the softening and relaxation of the body.

As you continue the inhale and exhale, feel the lightening of the body as it expands, followed by the gentle sinking as it contracts. See if you can notice yourself lift off as you breathe in, as if you were filling up with helium. But then settle into your seat as you breath out.

Continue like this, noticing yourself get progressively lighter, so that when you settle with the exhales, you still maintain some bouyancy.

This type of breathing meditation helps me “lighten up” when I feel overwhelmed, like I’m getting crushed by whatever the stressor is. Putting focus on the body keeps me out of my head and the deep breaths are soothing.

Hope this helps you too!

A Vote for Respecting Each Other

(Title image: Photo by alpay tonga on Unsplash)

Some people may experience resistance to this concept.

But as the United States heads into a contentious election, there are a lot of electrified emotions. People are on edge, tempers short and those who think differently from us are viewed with suspicion, disdain or hostility.

It’s very easy to get sucked into that kind of thinking because “us vs. them”messaging abounds and there’s always someone who seeks to profit from continual polarization.

Perhaps someone supports the “other” candidate and we imagine that they are a certain type of person with numeous negative characteristics.

But I offer a different way of looking at them.

We open ourselves to heartbreak when we close the door to understanding.
(Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash)

Consider someone that you’ve met or read about and formed a negative opinion of based on very little information. All you know is that they disagree with you on topics that you feel strongly about.

Then think about what their motivations are. And instead of allowing yourself to follow down the path of immediate condemnation, consider that they might have motivations very similar to yours. If they seem angry, consider that the anger and hatred you perceive is stoked by fear and concern.

They may fear for what happens to their family. Perhaps they feel that their children are at risk. It’s possible that they believe their livelihood is threatened or that they themselves are in grave danger. They may feel very deeply about the same things that you feel deeply about, but their perspective is different.

What if you try to soften your views of them? That doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. But try not to vilify them for how passionately they care about the issues that they do.

Take a deep breath, it’s okay.
(Photo by freestocks on Unsplash)

Do you find yourself resisting this practice? Perhaps it seems like you don’t want to “give them an inch” because of a plethora of perceived injuries. Or that extending them some grace is somehow morally reprehensible.

But does living with that kind of anger in your heart serve you better? What are the emotions that keep you from wishing someone well: fear, suspicion, anger, pain, obstinance…all these are negative drivers. They will never bring you a sense of peace.

There is a point at which we realize that maintaining polarization takes far more energy than acknowledging that someone thinks differently because they care deeply, even though their solution is different from yours.

Showing respect to people is not the same as agreeing with them. You do not have to vote for their candidate. You don’t have to believe that their way is the only way.

But try to release animosity. Because if there is one right that we should all grant ourselves, it is to live together in an environment where we understand each other, even if we don’t agree.