A little over a week ago, I had another oncological appointment. This one marked my six years since completing chemo for triple positive breast cancer.
Honestly, at this point, the conversation between my doctor and myself has turned much more social. There are not as many pressing matters to discuss. My bloodwork is normal and boring. I don’t have side effects to speak of, at least not any that I can attribute solely to cancer treatment (hello, menopause, ugh). And even my oncologist is openly positive about my future.
Wow, have things changed.
Six years ago I was dealing with the effects of a nasty fingernail infection that landed me in the ER (be forewarned before clicking that link: it was pretty gross!). But for this appointment, I was asking my doc how HE was feeling.
Our conversations have become pleasantly mundane and I enjoy catching up with him. Also, I am panicking less.
Much less. Even when I do lapse into micro-panic, I have accompanying moments of calm. That is a definite improvement. At the same time, cancer is cancer. So when my oncologist noticed that I hadn’t had a pelvic exam this year, he told me I needed it. And then before our appointment ended, he repeated that I should get one.
For a brief instant, my emergency alarms went off.
Maybe it was the fact that he repeated himself and seemed very serious about it. After six years of hypervigilance, I still get unnerved by slight shifts in tone of voice. I think that’s hard-wired in me, seared in via anxiety, even though my days of being a hot stress-mess are behind me.
It’s so tempting to wipe my hands off and pretend that everything is normal, but cancer teaches us that some nasty stuff might be lurking under the surface of, “I’m sure it’s nothing”. My days of innocent ignorance are gone.
So, yeah, I’m fine. Still no recurrence of a cancer in my breasts. Probably not anywhere else either. I’ll remain optimistic and look forward to seeing my oncologist in six months and chatting again.
But I’m going to schedule a pelvic exam soon.
Frantic Shanti 
How fabulous that you are SIX YEARS post treatment now! I am in breast cancer treatment currently and can so identify with the moments of micro panic that you talk about (though mine are currently more mega than micro!) Love this post and all the hope it brings. Despite the necessary routine checks, I hope that you can every day keep walking further away from that awful feeling of hyper-vigilance and continue to live with a deep peace of mind. You’re an inspiration to me knowing what you have come through 💕
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Thanks so much, Olive! ❤ Apologies, I'm late in finding your comment. Your words mean so much to me! I wish you all the best in your treatment — hang in there! It's surprising how quickly time passes and the intensity of cancer memories blurs, and my wish for you is to soon be in that place where you can look back on everything that you're currently going through. Take good care of yourself! ❤
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