October – Frantic Shanti

The Pink Tsunami is Coming

^{(Title image: Photo by Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash)}

It’s that time of the year again.

I won’t lie, I have mixed feelings about the color pink these days, along with October’s “breast cancer awareness” paraphernalia popping up in stores, in promotions and all over social media. Some of us don’t need the reminder that breasts get cancer.

Breast cancer is probably the most popularized cancer there is, and I’m willing to bet that’s in part because there is a giddiness associated with yelling “SAVE THE BOOBIES” and not getting into trouble for it. It is also the most funded cancer (McIntosh et al., 2023, Lancet, for example) but to be fair, also one of the most common.

So you would think that by now I would be very accepting of all the pink ribbons on yogurt and fizzy drinks and whatnot. But amidst the rah-rah, October also brings with it the memories of feeling very alone with my disease. Once the chemo and radiation were done, I found myself wading through a new phase of life that I wasn’t prepared for.

This is a reminder to myself that it is a privilege to be here griping about October being so pink!
(Photo by Angiola Harry on Unsplash)

I thought I was “done”. And so did everyone else. But dealing with continued Herceptin infusions along with an uncertain future of endocrine therapy frustrated me because I felt I still had an excuse to feel crappy, but no one else thought I did.

And even with that frustration, I have a lot to be grateful for.

All the pink stuff and smiling faces have been so important in bringing so much generous funding to breast cancer research, which has resulted in great strides being made. There are other cancers that are painfully underfunded (for instance, pancreatic cancer, which also has high mortality rates), and I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel some guilt about that. I cannot gripe about all the pink too much, because I am the beneficiary of all the money that has poured in.

Specifically, my triple-positive breast cancer was actually considered quite aggressive, but research resulted in new pharmaceuticals that have de-fanged that type of breast cancer and resulted in high survival rates. Even my oncologist remarked that he couldn’t remember the last time a HER2-positive patient of his suffered a recurrence, and he’s in his 70s. That says a lot.

So it seems disingenuous of me to lament all the screaming pink at the store. It seems equally disingenuous of me to wonder how much cancer took away from me that I would still have right now. Because one thing it didn’t take away was my life, and not everyone is that fortunate. Remembering that puts everything into perspective.

In the Midst of “Breast Cancer Pink”, Finding Stillness: A Meditation

As you’re probably aware by now, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. For breast cancer patients and recent survivors, seeing all that pink around can be a little stressful.

Yes, it’s important to maintain awareness that 1 out of 8 women in the United States will be diagnosed with breast cancer at some point in their lives. Those of us who have already been…well, it would be nice to forget about it once in a while.

One out of 8 is a lot of pink!
(Photo by Pawel Czerwinski on Unsplash)

So for this post, I want to offer you a very simple meditation. No prep needed.

Pause where you are right now and become still. Right where you are.

Notice how your body feels in the space that you’re inhabiting. What sensations do you feel most strongly?

The expansion and contraction of your ribcage with your breath?

The contact points of your body on the surface where it rests?

Perhaps a pesky little ache somewhere, in your joints, muscles or around an incision?

Tingling in your fingers or toes?

Are you gripping anywhere? If you notice tension somewhere in your body, very very slowly see if you can soften it. It’s okay if it doesn’t release completely – imagine that part becoming heavy and pliable.

And then see what other physical sensations make themselves known to you.

Stay with your body. There might be a lot going on in your mind right now, but that’s “up there” in your head.

Here. Stay down here.
(Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash)

We are down here in your physical being. Feel the stillness that exists here, not agitated by your thoughts. It’s okay if there’s noise in your mind, like if you lived on the floor below a bustling office. All those workers up there, getting their stuff done.

You can hear them, moving about, speaking in muffled tones, keeping busy. That’s all okay. They can be there.

But we’re all hanging out in stillness down below, with distance between what’s going on here and what’s happening elsewhere. We have space.

How does it feel knowing that you have permission to be still? That you don’t need to drop everything and dash upstairs? The thoughts can wait. They’re not going anywhere. You have time.

Eventually, you’ll return to the hustle and bustle up there. But know that you can always take a break, come down into your body and sit in the stillness that is here.

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This October in particular is very busy for me. A big project at work, the holidays around the corner, prepping for guests while our apartment STILL awaits repairs. And then strange guilt that I’m not doing more yoga teaching. It’s a lot to manage in my head, all this piling on of responsibilities.

So that meditation up ^^^ there? Yeah, I needed that. ❤

Where Are You Getting Breast Cancer Info?

Since we are just at the start of October, aka Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I thought I’d go through some basics about getting information on breast cancer.

Let’s face it, as soon as you suspect that you feel a lump in your breast, feel a lump in your breast, have something funny show up on a mammogram and get called in for an ultrasound, are told that there’s something weird on the ultrasound and you need a biopsy, the biopsy reveals a tumor, as you’re in between any of the above, have a loved one go through this, or ANYTHING like the above really, you’ll have the urge to consult Dr. Google.

BE CAREFUL. When I asked my cancer surgeon about getting more info, she gave me a few websites and told me not to go anywhere else. These included:

National Cancer Institute (NCI)

American Ca ncer Society (ACS)

I was very surprised at the limited number of websites she suggested, but the reasoning made sense. You want to be sure that the information you’re receiving is accurate, up-to-date and vetted by cancer professionals. Both NCI and ACS can provide you with references to clinical studies to back up their information.

This was in 2017. I expect that you can find additional reliable resources now. However, as I discovered when I was looking up other sites, the Internet moves fast and what was once a good source may now be a broken link.

I want to stress: My blog should not be used as a source for making treatment decisions. I mean that with all my heart. I started my blog to relate my own experiences and research in the hopes of being able to provide the view of a cancer patient/survivor about what it’s like to go through a cancer journey.

I had been frustrated by not having an idea of what a lumpectomy looks like, no month-by-month photos of the process of hair regrowth, no good rundown of what to expect during my first chemo infusion, not understanding what that ‘chemo port’ thing was, having my medical team draw a blank when I asked why I had no body odor…and so many more things. So I decided to post photos and write about them in short, to-the-point posts.

But everyone’s experience is different. We have different backgrounds, different lifestyles, varying levels of risk factors and therefore different cancer journeys. The best resource that you have is your medical team. Make sure that you feel comfortable with them, get a second opinion if your treatment options seem inappropriate and definitely change doctors if you feel that yours do not listen to your needs.

Even though there are many complementary treatments you can try (I personally benefitted from meditation and exercise), do not use them as alternatives. Your best bet for survival remains conventional medicine.

Please seek out the resources offered by your cancer center. If you need someone to talk to, consult with whatever mental health support is available–this was also invaluable to me. This is not something you should feel you need to “tough it through”. You don’t have to prove anything. Just showing up for your treatments shows your strengh. Same thing goes for those providing care for you during this time, which can more more emotionally taxing than many are willing to admit. Look into support groups for both patients and caregivers.

Understand that you did nothing wrong. You didn’t deserve this.

And everything that I suggested above? Yes, check with your medical team even about my recommendations. The list of sites may very well have expanded by now but my admonishment to watch your step where your get your information for making decisions remains. Please, you are worth it.

As you navigate the experience that is cancer, whether your own or of someone you care about, please know that I am rooting for you, thinking about you and can’t wait to see you on the other side! ❤